It is a perfect May day: the sun is bright, the sky is clear, and there is a hint of early summer warmth. Three year old Lucy knows exactly what to wear. She pulls on her waterproof trousers, bright yellow wellies and pink bobble hat knitted by Grandma. She grabs her Peppa Pig rucksack and walks happily into Mummy's room, confident in the knowledge that she has made excellent fashion choices today. Mummy, however, seems to think differently. Apparently they are going to a family barbecue, apparently neither rain nor snow is expected, and apparently Aunt Jane would love to see how pretty Lucy looks in her new flowery dress. Lucy throws herself onto the floor and refuses to move. She is overwhelmed with rage and indignation.
Two and three year olds are busy trying to develop a sense of who they are as individuals. Little girls, particularly, can learn quite young how to dress themselves and choosing their own clothes can be a way of asserting some sort of control over their life. Unfortunately their fashion choices are rarely informed by an understanding of the whether or social convention! In addition, they can have strong and overwhelming feelings which are quick to show themselves if their plans or wishes are opposed. While Lucy howls on the floor, her mother is no doubt feeling exasperated! How can she get her beautiful little girl into a lovely dress and a sunny mood by the time they get to the party?
In order to move forward, it will be important for Lucy's mother to be sensitive to Lucy's underlying emotions. Lucy's rage is related to her feeling a sudden and unexpected loss of control when she thought she was being so grown up and sensible. Her attempts at being an individual were trampled on by her mother's strange ideas about the weather and beliefs about what little girls should where to parties! Lucy might feel happier if she received praise for getting herself dressed (preferably as soon as she walked into the room). She has demonstrated amazing independent dressing skills! Her mother could tell her that she looks great and gently suggest that they have a look out of the window together to see whether the outfit is going to work for today's weather or if it should be saved for another day. Lucy will appreciate retaining some sense of control, and it might be that Mum suggests that Lucy chooses her shoes, or is allowed to wear her trousers underneath her dress until she gets too hot, or perhaps she is given the choice of two more appropriate outfits. Laying the choices out the night before is often a good plan! Sometimes it is a question of picking your battles and deciding what is important. In a few years time, the story of when Lucy went to a summer barbecue in a bobble hat could be a treasured family anecdote!
By Dr. Clare Henderson, Child Clinical Psychologist
